The Wages Of Sin Should Be Dog Food

I feel really, really sorry for Sin.

She’s had a horrible time of it, much worse than Oliver Twist or little orphan Annie. The sun is not coming out for her tomorrow, or any other day.

Sin is Satan’s daughter. She sprang from his head (Milton doesn’t describe how, but I’m not sure how effective an epidural or gas and air is when offspring exit via the head) due to Lucifer’s jealousy over the Son, during a riotous assembly of angry angels up there in ‘ol heaven.

I find the whole war in heaven thing utterly pointless. Angels can’t kill each other, just hurt. This is like my brother giving me an eternal Chinese burn. There are no winners, just pointless,  sore arms.

So, a beautiful woman comes out of Satan, and he thinks having sex with her is a good idea. Afterwards, her human legs turn into the lower half of a snake, and also she becomes pregnant. She gives birth to Death, Satan’s spear-wielding, pain-inducing, shadowy son/grandson. Death then rapes his mother/sister, and as a punishment for her (but not him??) hell hounds spring from her womb, and constantly jump in an out, causing her to be in perpetual labour. When inside, the dogs feed on her bowels. Nice.

If anyone ever would make a worthy Jerry Springer guest, it’s her. And I bet she never had any child support from Satan, no tins of Pedigree Chum for the hounds, nothing.

Sin has the key to the gates of hell. When Satan wants to go to earth to stir things up with Adam and Eve, she opens them up and then her and Death build Satan and bridge so he can get to Earth, as he starts off flying, but it’s hard-going floating through an abyss, so some civil engineering helps. But I don’t understand why there are gates and why they have a key in the first place? Any why was Sin given a copy and told to keep the demons in? That’s like asking me to guard chocolate. Maybe God was worried he’d lose the key, as there are no 24 hour locksmiths in heaven, and didn’t just want to leave the key under a flower pot as anyone could find it.

I do things like that. I have a copy of my house key in an old syrup tin in my shed. I feel safe saying that here as I don’t even have a flat screen TV, I’m really not worth burgling. Hell probably has better stuff than me.


Poor Sin, getting clothes to fit must have been a nightmare.

Poor Sin, getting clothes to fit must have been a nightmare.